


Check If They're Still Good

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Breast Worship, Dry Humping, F/M, Incest, Masturbation, Nipple Play, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 17:57:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Diego has a burning question for Allison, then offers to do her a favor.





	Check If They're Still Good

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by the ever lovely Electra XT!

“Can I ask you a weird question?” Diego stretched out on the couch, his feet up on an coffee table. He wasn’t wearing his knife harness, or even one of his turtlenecks. His hands were behind his head, and Allison wasn’t even subtle as she eyed his muscles from her spot on the armchair. 

“You’re going to ask it anyway,” Allison said, “so I don’t see how asking me if you can will actually result in anything.”

“Who did your doubles for your nude scenes?” 

Allison stared at him. 

"What?" Diego held his hands up defensively. He looked sheepish. "I said it was a weird question!"

"How could you even _tell_ I had doubles for my nude scenes?" 

"Do you want the diplomatic answer, or the honest one?"

"The honest one."

"I'll tell you the diplomatic one, since I've been figuring out a way to craft it perfectly," said Diego. 

Allison snorted. 

"So the _diplomatic_ answer is that I know what you're like, and you wouldn't ever do an actual nude scene," said Diego. "You'd rumor them into taking the nude scene out, or something similar."

Allison made a dismissive hand gesture. "As if I'd need a rumor to dissuade a director from being a sleaze." 

Diego raised an eyebrow. 

Allison flipped the bird at him, and he smirked at her, waggling his eyebrows. He always did like getting under her skin. 

"The honest answer is that I watched a movie with you going full frontal in it and those weren't your tits," Diego said. "The nipples were all wrong."

Allison groaned and threw a pillow at him. 

"Hey! What was that for? I was being honest!" He held his hands up defensively. 

"How do you even remember what my nipples look like in the first place?" 

"I've seen them often enough!" Diego pointed out, and he somehow managed to look smug and faintly embarrassed at the same time. 

Allison blushed as well. They had all fooled around, over the course of their adolescence and into their adulthood. They had been isolated, horny teenagers, and desperate times brought about desperate measures. Not that Diego had been a desperate measure. Far from it. 

"I don't remember your dick," she told Diego, in the hope of saving some face. 

"You wound me, sis," said Diego, putting a hand over his heart. "That was a real blow to the ego."

"I mean, I remember _enjoying_ it," Allison said quickly. "But if you showed me a picture of it and a picture of someone else's dick, I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Unless it was a big difference."

"I guess you didn't have my dick in your face as much as I had your boobs in my face," Diego said, his tone contemplative. 

Allison wrinkled her nose. "You can be such a pig sometimes, you know that?" 

"You still love me," he said, his tone confident. 

"And how do you know that?" She sat up, and she noted the way his eyes followed her. There was something nice about being looked at like that. Something honest. 

"Because if you didn't, you'd have thrown me out the window when I first mentioned your nipples," Diego said.

"You're not afraid that I'd rumor you?"

"You rumoring me to jump out the window counts as you throwing me out the window, as far as I'm concerned," said Diego. 

"Her name is Shoshana," said Allison. "The woman who's done my body doubling."

"She's cute," Diego said. "Although her nipples aren't as nice as yours."

"They're not the same," Allison said. "Since I was, y'know, pregnant." 

"I'm sure they're still amazing," Diego assured her. "Tits that good, you'd need a direct meteor strike to make them unappealing."

"Okay, first off, must you use the term "tits"?" Allison wrinkled her nose. "Second off, is it really good taste to reference a direct meteor strike when…" She gestured in the vague direction of Vanya's bedroom. 

"She makes jokes about it," Diego pointed out. 

"She's allowed to," said Allison. 

"Excuse you, I think that was _everyone's_ trauma," said Diego. "Or at least everyone in this house. Since, y'know, anyone else who would remember that is dead and in a different dimension."

"Still," said Allison. 

"You still have the most perfect breasts I've ever seen," Diego said. His face had taken on a dreamy cast. 

"I can't believe you," Allison said. "You're such a perv."

"A perv with good taste," Diego corrected. "A perv with really good taste."

Allison made a face. She couldn't exactly argue with that, could she? Either she would end up insulting herself, or else she would just have to let him be. Jerk. 

"You know I'm right," Diego said, just to rub it in. 

"I know that you're a perv," Allison agreed. 

"I can… check 'em, if you'd like," said Diego. He was leering. "If you're worried about how they look these days."

"You don't trust Luther to tell me the truth?" She didn't usually bring Luther up when it was the two of them. Luther and Diego were getting on better than they ever had, but they still had a ways to go. 

"Allison, you could catch smallpox and leprosy and... I don’t know, have all your teeth knocked out, and Luther would still think you're the hottest thing on legs," said Diego. 

"And you wouldn't?"

"There'd be an adjustment period," said Diego, his hands up defensively. "I'd come around eventually!"

"Eventually, he says," said Allison, more to be obnoxious than because she was upset. Half of their relationship felt like they were endlessly yanking each other's pigtails. It was one of the reasons she loved him so much. 

“It’s better ‘n never,” countered Diego. “And we’re getting sidetracked.”

“Sidetracked,” Allison echoed. “So what was the original point?”

“Sidetracked from the fact that I can totally check if your tits are still good," Diego said, his tone completely earnest. 

"Who made you the grand arbitrator of what makes a good pair of breasts?' Allison leaned forward, her elbows on her thighs. She was aware he could see down her blouse from this angle. She liked the way his gaze lingered. 

"I did," Diego said, and he patted his lap, planting his feet on the floor. "Come sit, and I'll give you a look over."

"You're lucky you're cute," Alison said, standing up and making her way towards the couch.

"Why?" He leaned back, and he grunted as she settled her weight in his lap, her knees pressing into his sides. If he looked down, he would see nothing but cleavage. She wasn't even wearing a particularly low cut shirt, but his eyes were drawn down. 

"Because you're such a pig," she said, squirming in his lap. He was hard against her thigh, and she ground down, just to see his face open up. 

Diego didn't say anything in response— his hands went to the neckline of her shirt, hooking a finger in it and tugging it down. He ogled her cleavage, then looked back up into her face. 

"You like what you see?" Allison did a little shimmy, just to watch Diego's eyes bug out. 

"I sure do," said Diego. "But I like what I feel even more." He gave her a long, luxurious grope, his thumbs pressing into her nipples.

“You are s-s-such a pig,” Allison murmured, and she leaned forward, her forehead against his. Her hair was forming a curtain around the two of them, capturing them in their own little world. 

“I thought I was the one that stuttered?” He pinched her nipples through her shirt, and she hissed through her teeth, her hips rocking forward. He was hard against her thigh and the seam of her pants was pressing right up against her clit. She didn’t know if she could come from just this, but it sure was... interesting. 

“Oh my god, Diego, can you stop being an asshole for like… five minutes?” She brought her hands up to his head, her fingers tangling in his hair. She wanted to kiss him, but she also kind of wanted to keep needling at him, to see what he’d do. 

"Nope," Diego said cheerfully, and he twisted her nipples, and he laughed when her back bowed, her head tilted back. Her hair was dusting across her back now, ticklish, stimulating her nerves just enough to raise goosebumps up and down her spine. "It's part of my charm."

"I wouldn't call it charming," Allison said, and her voice was breathy. She wished she could have sounded a little more sure of herself. His thumbs were flicking over the tips of her nipples and it was hard to think at all. 

Diego let her breast fall out of his mouth. "Well, some part of you seems to like it," he said, tugging one of her nipples, twisting the other one. It was an impressive bit of dexterity, like rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same time. 

She kissed him, tracing the cupid's bow of his upper lip with the tip of her tongue, then opening her mouth to allow his tongue into it. Her hands were on his face, and his stubble was scratchy against her cheeks, but there was something satisfying about that burn. 

Diego's hands left her breasts, tracing over her stomach. They were calloused from his knives, his nails blunt, the tips cold. She shivered, as they moved up her torso, towards the band of her bra. 

"I bet you're wearing the red lace one," said Diego, with confidence. 

"How have you memorized my bras?" Allison wasn't sure if she was endeared or grossed out. 

"I haven't memorized your bras, I just know which ones give me boners." He pulled her shirt up, and she leaned back, holding on with her knees. 

She tossed the shirt off to the side, and let him take her in. "It's not red lace," she told him. 

"Green lace, red lace, similar enough," said Diego. He pushed her breasts together, his thumbs passing over her nipples, then pinching them through the lace. He pressed his face into her cleavage, and his scruff caught on some of the lace. 

"If you motorboat me, I'm going to get up off of your lap and leave you to your sad boner." She wriggled in his lap, grinding against his cock to make him groan. 

"It's not a sad boner," Diego said. "And I'd rather you get off _on_ my lap." He rolled his hips forward. 

"It would be a sad boner if I left," Allison said. “Me leaving would make it sad.”

“Why are you assigning feelings to my penis?” Diego let go of her breasts, wrapping his arms around her and fiddling with the clasp of her bra. “It doesn’t have the feelings. I do.” His nose was right up against her sternum, in the space between her breasts.

"I could do that, y'know," said Allison, although she rested her hands on his shoulders, not moving. 

"Let me show off a little," groused Diego. "A guy can't wanna impress his girl?" He grunted again, then made a triumphant noise. 

“Since when am I your girl?” She sighed, as the tension from her bra straps was released, and her breasts sagged forward. 

“You’re on my dick,” said Diego. “As we’ve established. That makes you at least a girl who is related to me in some way. So my girl.”

“Related in more ways than one,” said Allison, because some perverse part of her liked to prod that particular fact, like her tongue seeking out a sore tooth. 

“Oh yeah,” said Diego, and he pushed the cups of her bra up. “Oh… yeah.” There was an intensity to his face that she wasn’t sure how to interpret. She licked her lips and removed the bra, letting it fall on the floor next to her. “God, Allison…” He held them in both hands, and he gave them a jiggle. He pinched her nipples, and she shivered, grinding forward again. 

Allison ground against the seam of her pants and she shuddered as Diego lowered his head and wrapped his mouth around her nipple. He sucked, his tongue flickering against the tip of it, and she whined in the back of her throat, her fingers tangled into his hair. His other hand was on her other breast, pinching her nipple, rolling it between his fingers. He tugged on it and pulled his mouth off of her nipple at the same time, then blew on the wet skin. 

Allison was aware, distantly, that she was making embarrassing noises. Desperate noises, needy noises, like something out of a blue film. She ground forward against Diego, pressing the seam of her pants against her clit, and she was wet enough that it was probably leaching through her pants to stain his. She looked down at him and she flushed. 

Diego's eyes kept darting from her breasts to her face and back down again as if he couldn't decide which he liked better. "You look so debauched right now," he said, and he twisted her nipples again, in tandem.

She gasped, her mouth opening even wider, her tongue drying out. "Fuck," she managed. 

"I kinda want to get my pants off and fuck you into the couch," Diego said, and he gave her nipples another twist. "But I'm honestly having so much fun right now I don't wanna move." Her nipples were beginning to get sore, but even the soreness seemed to be feeding the arousal in her belly. 

"That… mm…" She shuddered as he pinched her nipples, then pulled. "I can't really m-m-make an argument, when you do th _at_!" Her voice cracked, and her hips jerked forward again. 

"So that's the trick to getting you to shut up, huh?" He yanked on her nipples again, just hard enough that she almost screamed, and her eyes slid shut, her knees squeezing his sides. 

"Diego, if you don't stop talking, I'm… oh, fuck…" She trailed off, as he took as much of her breast into his mouth as he could, the flat of his tongue laving across her nipple, his teeth digging into the delicate skin around it.

"So… that's the trick of g-g-getting you to shut up, huh?" Allison said, and Diego rolled his eyes, grabbing her ass with one hand and pulling her closer, biting a little harder. She was going to bruise from it. 

He bit her, and he pinched her nipple, the combination of sensations enough to make her whimper, her snarky words forgotten. Then he pulled back, and he looked up at her with those gorgeous eyes of his. He kept eye contact as he took her other nipple back into his mouth, and he swirled his tongue along the tip of it.

Allison finally broke. She’d held out pretty well, but her clit was getting sore from the seam of her pants. She wanted to come, without actually abrading her genitals. So… well. 

Diego made a startled noise when Allison’s hand wriggled between the two of them, and then he snickered around the nipple in his mouth. He let go of her breast, as she shoved her fingers down the front of her panties, rubbing her clit frantically. “You enjoying yourself there, baby?” His tone was downright _solicitous_ , and she wanted to punch him, except he was tweaking her nipple, gently this time.

She kissed him, and she moaned into his mouth, letting him roll her sore nipple, his other hand down the back of her pants, squeezing her ass through her panties. She broke their kiss to pant against his mouth, and that couldn’t have been nice for him, but he just switched nipples again, tugging on it this time. He twisted it between his knuckles, and she sobbed like her heart was breaking, rubbing desperate little circles over her clit. She was just about to come— already so close, poised over the precipice.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Diego said, and then he twisted her nipple like a radio dial, as if it was the punctuation of a sentence.

Allison came against her fingers, sobbing against Diego, her cunt clenching around nothing. Her panties were so cold and slimy against the backs of her fingers, and her breasts were sore, overstimulated, as Diego held on to one, still squeezing her ass. The pleasure seemed to move outwards until it left her limp, relaxing into Diego in spite of herself. She was still shaking, her hand still down her pants.

“You ready for another round?” Diego’s hand had left the back of her pants, and both of them were creeping towards her breasts again.

Allison batted them away, and she more or less slithered onto the floor, lying flat on her back. Her breasts flopped outwards, pointing towards her armpits. “I need a break,” she said, wiping a bit of sweat off of her face.

“But Allison,” Diego said, “ _I_ haven’t had a chance to come yet.” He squeezed his erection.

“Just… gimme a break,” she said, and she nudged his knee with her foot. “You can fuck any part of me you want after that, though. I promise.”

“So what I’m hearing,” Diego said, and he sounded so lascivious that Allison got up on her elbows to look at him, “is that you’ll let me tit fuck you.”

She paused, considered it. Then she grinned at him. “Give me a few minutes,” she told him. “I need to catch my breath.” 

“I’ll even get you a glass of water,” Diego said, and he stood up, nudging her in the side with his foot. 

“You gentleman, you,” she said, watching him upside down as he made his way towards the kitchen.

“And you know it,” he called after her. “Oh,” he added, stepped back into her (upside down) view. “So your tits are still good. Although they could use some further study.”

“You’re such a pig,” she said, but her tone was fond. 

“A pig getting you a glass of water,” he said, and he was off again. 

She sighed, stretching. God, he was an asshole. She grinned, her hands covering her sore nipples. She couldn’t complain too hard, all things considered. It might just have been her favorite thing about him.


End file.
